Shoujo Kakumei Utena

Waiting Still

part 5

We've spent hours at the hospital. Hours, even though I barely knew Kozue or anyone related to her; it's not as if I can offer anything of use. But apparently this sort of thing doesn't matter to Touga the Magnificent.

I've learned a lot of things about Touga this evening - such as the fact that he has a real talent for avoiding listening to reason, and that he has a very strong grip.

"No, don't argue, you're definitely coming - she wants to see you," he enthused like an oil-slick politician, his fingers around my upper arm, and given the time and my stress level I must admit that had we not been interrupted, I would probably have shouted.

"Hello, Setokaichou," came a new voice - no... no, a new Voice.

It was the dean. He approached us, spoke calmly and reassuringly about where the ambulance went and that we had special permission to visit because we were such good friends of Miki's, and during the whole thing I never said a word. Not one word; because I recognized that Voice.

...it was real. HE was real. The Voice, the one who touched me, the one who's behind this whole damned thing....I still don't know what he did to me, or why he took us to the hospital tonight. I know that I can't think about it too much tonight. I can't; or I'm going to blow my cover and explode.

The Voice exists.

Eventually, somebody shoved me off to my room to change my clothes and brush my teeth. I had no problem with that part of it because the taste of vomit has never been one of my favorites, but I also have to admit that I was tempted simply not to come out at all. So what got me out? The thought that Touga or the dean might come in after me. That's enough to get ANYBODY moving.

The trip to the hospital itself was weird - weird because I don't completely remember it, weird because we'd simply gotten into the dean's car and... well, gone, I suppose. I remember sitting in the back seat... I remember drifting off - and voices. Voice. I remember them talking about something, but... whatever it was....

Drugged. I have to believe that.

So then we arrived at the hospital, but the dean didn't stay; he ran off saying something about visiting other people, which made no sense to ME, but nothing tonight does. Just nothing.

"Are you here to see Ms. Kaoru, honey?" asks the well-meaning nurse all of a sudden, and I jump as she leans down and talks to me like I'm a child.

"Yes," I say, my traitorous voice cracking again. Uh, oh; she's getting that scrinched-up maternal look, which means she's going to start cooing -

Touga comes to my rescue. "We are, yes - is she all right?" he asks, his voice doing this low-and-purry thing that mine will NEVER be able to do, and she turns to him and immediately forgets about me.

Whew.

"Oh - well... yes, she is," she says, blushing a little, and he smiles. "You can come up to see her now," she breathes, and Touga nods and stands. I scramble to my feet after him; I want to get this over with.

"This way," she says, and heads down the hall with considerably more swish than she'd first come up. Naturally, Touga walks practically beside her, talking in soft, sort of soothing tones.

Whatever. I don't really say, do, or think anything at all until I notice that the elevator is going to floor number nine.

Floor number nine? You wonder what's so weird about that? Oh, nothing, if you're in a western-culture place where thirteen is the bad one; but in Japanese, "nine" sounds like our word for agony and torture, and "four" sounds like death. Four and nine are usually skipped when we put up buildings, or renamed; the fact that they put a suicide victim on floor nine is freaking me out.

I'm not superstitious, understand; but most people are. I'm not sure if this is negligence or forward-thinking.

"Here's her room," says Nurse Smitten, and... well, there's nothing else to do, is there? We go in.

Kozue looks so pale.

Her arms are bandaged from her wrists almost up to her elbows; gods. What did she do, shove them into a Cuisinart?

"So you are real," she says suddenly, interrupting my reverie.

Whatever I expected, it wasn't that. "Um... what?"

She smiles at me, sort of a rictus of wry. "I said, you're real. You can go home now. I just wanted to see." And she lies back, wriggling herself comfortably under the sheets, and closes her eyes. End of interview, all done.

...what the HELL?

"Not until you tell me what you MEANT by that!" I demand, a little too loudly, and she only mutters in return.

"Jus' what I said," she goes sleepily, and I'm about to shout at her again when Nurse Smitten's hand comes down on my shoulder.

"Mr. Kisho, this is a hospital," she says icily, and I come perilously close to whirling on her and asking her how calm SHE would be if she'd just heard something that might be proof that there are drugs in the water. Because what Kozue said....

It sounds like I'm not the only one hallucinating.

I open my mouth to argue, but then I catch Touga's eye over her shoulder.

Mm... no. No. I can't bring this up now. Not while there's a Witness.

Stay. Calm.

"You're... you're right," I say, forcing my voice to sound repentant. "It's just really late, and I'm so tired. And... so worried." Who said I can't put my nerdish charm to use when I have to?

She softens. "It's all right, honey," she says, patting my shoulder. "But I think maybe it's time for you to go home."

I'm not going to argue.

I don't understand, I just don't understand. I don't want to think about being manipulated like this, about being rendered so completely helpless. But I don't know - I just don't know yet - what's really going on or why I haven't disappeared like Utena; I just wish I could lose the horrible feeling that I'm running out of time to find out.

We're all very quiet on the way to the parking lot. I guess this shouldn't be surprising.

Somehow, the dean is waiting for us by the car, and we pile in and are going home. It's still blessedly quiet; the dean doesn't say anything, Touga doesn't say anything, and I'm scared to death, so I'm sure as hell not saying anything, either.

The stress of this is too much. Way too much. I feel like I've fallen into some sort of stupid TV show, where all the rules don't apply and anything can happen. But this ISN'T a TV show, and the rules SHOULD apply - but what are the rules in the middle of a huge conspiracy?

It's all finally catching up with me. I'm either going to start crying or go to sleep.

Guess which one I pick?

The leaves are falling. It always feel so sad when the leaves fall....

And of course, here they come. I should have known they'd find me. Shouldn't have tried -

"Hey! Found him!"

- grabbed, shaken and dragged, out into the damning sunlight and my GLASSES but I NEED those -

"All right, freak, you better have 'em on you this time or it's is gonna be worse, you got it?"

Worse? It can't be worse - not unless my father finds out.

More shaking, grabbing, people don't care where they grab and I cry out, which brings more shaking -

...ripped my SHIRT. Mom's gonna KILL me....

"He doesn't have them!"

Evil, heavy silence, meaning more problems for me but I won't look at them because I already know what's coming and what little good does it do to look?

"You didn't. Get. The exam."

Be brave - like Shogun, like princes, like kings and Men and heroes. "No. I didn't. It wasn't the right thing to do."

"Why, you COCKY little - "

And it begins. And I can't do anything; too many of them for me to do anything, and I just have to take the hits. Careful, careful hits, in spite of their fury; placed in places that nobody but me will see, and maybe my father if I'm not careful when we bathe, but I always am. It's wiser that way, really.

"DON'T you forget it next time, you hear me? Gods, I think he's retarded - " "We have to use him, he's the only one with a key to the office." "It's no use, he's not gonna do it."

Hope? Do I dare?

"He'd better do it." Tomo - the leader. Of course, they're going to listen to him. Somebody drops me to the ground, and I curl up, not because they're going to hit me again, but because if I don't I'm gonna throw up.

"You got it yet, freak?" Tomo says, and leans down close. "This isn't wherever you came from. This is HERE, and around HERE, I'm the one in charge. Period. The last teacher's assistant did what I wanted, and you will, too, and if you don't - "

"Hey!"

Everybody jumps. Me, them, everybody. Who's that?

"What are you doing? Get away from him!"

Oh, gods; it's some crazy girl. I try to give her 'go AWAY' looks, but...

Nope. She's not getting it.

"You heard me. I MEAN it! Get away from him!" She stands there, feet apart, hands on her hips, little Hello Kitty lunchbox dropped to the ground. Of course they're laughing at her.

"And what are you gonna do if we don't, little girl?" says Tomo quietly, dangerously; he doesn't like people talking back to him.

She doesn't bother to argue. Instead, she does something that I do not and never will understand: she just runs up and attacks.

I guess it helps that she's short. She keeps just... ducking when they try to hit her, then getting them hard in the stomach and... er... other places. She's quiet as she does it, concentrated, utterly deadly; and after a minute or two, they're actually starting to look SCARED.

"Is that a boy or a girl?!" one of them demands, and then when she knocks Tomo in the eye and sends him onto his butt, apparently they decide that's enough. "Run! RUN for it!" one of them cries, and suddenly that's exactly what they do.

And... they're gone. And here I am - with this girl, who's a little dirty now and a little bruised, and she's smiling at me. She offers a hand up.

"You okay? My name is - "

"Kaido. We're home."

I startle awake.

"Nuh?"

Touga smiles. "I can carry you upstairs if you need it, but it might look a little funny."

AUGH. "No! I mean, no THANK you, I can do it MYSE-" I somehow trip on the lip of the car door and stumble. "...self."

Touga's lips quirk. The dean is busy with something in the front seat and theoretically didn't see; at least neither of them are laughing.

"Goodnight," I mutter, not thanking them for anything or telling them anything else, and hurry back to my room. They both watch me go, in silence. Oh, gods... I think they know that I know.

I've never been so scared.

Utena....

Dreaming about my experiences in fifth grade makes me think of you so strongly. How can I keep going without you as my strength, Utena? I know you said you gave me strength of my own, I KNOW you said you did that... and at the time, it felt like you did...

But I miss you. And I need you so much right now. And right now, I'd give anything to know where you were.

I get undressed and go to bed in my empty room, and I when I fall asleep the darkness of my mind is so like my room that I don't notice it happen.

{to part 4} {back to the index} {to part 6 - under construction}