Shoujo Kakumei Utena

Waiting Still

part 4

...Where am I?

Darkness

Warm, close darkness

Without feeling closed in

Warm, and safe, and home

Home.

"Kaido."

I open my eyes, and there's nothing. It's just darkness, like a cave or a womb - it feels good. So good.

"Kaido."

...Utena?

"Kaido - "

"Yes?"

"Kaido - help me."

Help her?

HELP her!?

Cold fear splashes down my spine like ice water, and I jolt with near physical pain because I remember. I remember everything. And I should be dead.

"Help me - "

...and there's... PAIN

She's in pain - there... through the heart, through her body, sharp, rigid pain throughough like metal forced through her bones and I - and I - Utena....

"UTENA!" I shout and sit straight up, gasping for breath and clutching my body where I swear I can still FEEL the blades slicing and nestled throughout my body and -

...huh?

I'm... waking up in my own bed.

My own... bed?

But that's... that's impossible!

I lie back down again, blinking slowly, forcing myself to breathe, focusing on the bed above me. Okay. Okay, Kaido - THINK. Think like your life depends on it because your sanity does, and you can't let anything slip.

We were on top of the tower. Check. And the castle was coming down on us. Check. And we were going to die or at least be grievously injured. ...not check.

Okay, that's not very conclusive.

Let's do ANOTHER kind of check. I'm fine; my glasses are folded right beside me on the nightstand, and I'm just... freaking... fine.

Suddenly it's all too much for me, and I start to panic.

I leap out of my bed, running my hands frantically over my chest because I CANNOT believe I'm all in one piece. I even feel my scalp to make sure all my hair is still there. It's dark in here - still the middle of the night or early morning or something, and I can't see myself as clearly as I'd like, so I run quickly to the bathroom and take a good, long look... because I should NOT have gotten out of this unscathed. And -

...and... I DIDN'T.

My knees are scraped. Both of them are scraped... which they SHOULD be, because they got that way when I was trying to keep Kozue from falling off the side. It did happen. It DID. And now I have proof positive that someone, somehow, is screwing with my mind.

I have NEVER been so happy to see an injury. I'm not going crazy. I'm sane.

I race out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom, just in time to see Miki come down off the top bunk - he probably woke up because of my shouting. He rubs his eyes, looking sleepy, and offers me a smile.

His hands are bandaged.

"Hello, Kaido. Are you awake, too? Did you sleep w-"

I'm not waiting for confirmation on this; in three quick strides, I'm right in front of him, and before he can even finish his sentence, I've grabbed both his hands in mine.

He gasps. "A-ah!" he cries, an attempt not to shout 'ow,' I think, and I feel a little guilty for squeezing so hard; he can't hide the way all the color drains from his face, or the way his body stiffens.

Sorry I hurt you, Miki, but my sanity is at stake.

"Sorry," I say, letting go. "I didn't mean to grab you quite that hard. So our Mystery Dream Maker can keep us from being crushed under three tons of rock but he can't heal cuts and scrapes? That's a little weird, don't you think?"

Well, that did it. He's utterly, completely lost all color in his face; in fact, he looks terrified. Clutching his bandaged hands to his chest, he stares at me. "I... I don't know what you mean."

"I think you do."

And by the way - I know I sound like I'm all scary and influential in this, but I'm really not. I'm pale; my own hands are shaking. My heart is racing at about three hundred and fifty nine beats per minute, and I'm half sure I'm going to be sick. Oh, and the bullying-Miki thing? That's REALLY not helping.

He still looks horrified. "Kaido... I don't know what I CAN tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because... because it..."

The fire alarm goes off, and we both nearly jump out of our skins.

"...haah," Miki says weakly, which could mean anything; and then he's handing me my robe and grabbing his own. "Come on," he says. "It's a fire drill."

"Fire drill? What time is it?"

"I don't know," he says grimly, and hurries out the door.

Damnit. DAMNIT. Convenient timing? Coincidence? I don't know. Tugging my robe around me tightly, I follow.

So here we all are. All 700 of us, in pajamas, milling aimlessly around in the main courtyard because the firedrill told us to. Gods, I feel like an idiot.

Miki fled; I couldn't find him once I got out here, and I guess... I can't really blame him. I was too hard him, I see that now; taking my panic out on him when I know he's really not the type to handle such things.

I'm thinking maybe we need to talk a little - like an exchange of information, rather than an interrogation. At any rate, I know I owe him an apology; he may know what's going on, but it feels like he's more of a prisoner than a confederate - and I don't want to ruin what relationship we have because of all this weirdness.

Well, there's safety in numbers, right? It's comforting; so, I go looking for him.

This is a LONG firedrill; maybe they're counting heads. But some ten minutes later, I've circled back to where I started and I haven't seen either Miki OR his sister; you'd think I would have spotted one of them, right?

Wrong.

Okay, you know what? This is annoying me. Enough is enough. Turning around, I clamber up onto one of those stupid ugly rose fountains and try to spot one of the Kaoru twins in the dark.

He laughs softly, and leans against the wall. "He's sort of cute, isn't he? Eager. Not really thinking, even though he prides himself on it. Very cute... yes."

The other does not answer, drowning instead in his own problems; however, the sounds of a third behind him softly weeping finally shakes his trance. He follows the gaze of his Rijichou obediently, and sees the boy on the fountain.

"What is he doing?"

"Looking for Miki-kun, I do believe," says the first with some dry amusement, and straightens. "Why don't you go greet him?"

"Greet him?" he looks at his rijichou with question.

"Greet him. Be his friend. Every young man needs a friend - don't you agree, Setokaichou?" A smile follows.

The setokaichou is wise enough not to comment.

"It seems to me we have a little mystery, Setokaichou," continues the Rijichou, not waiting for the younger man to respond. "He came here to find Utena."

"Utena?" the younger sounds surprised, as if the name should not exist.

"Yes. Ironic, isn't it? Go on. Be his friend. Find out what you can."

Silence. Surprises take time to digest; then: "But I thought...

"Go."

"Very well, Rijichou," says the Setokaichou quietly, and leaves to do as he is told.

Left behind, the soft weeping in the shadows continue. The rijichou smiles; "You know he won't find you if you're here," he says quietly. But the shadow behind him does not respond, and in the end, nothing is done.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. I can't see him, I can't find him... maybe I should just start calling his name. I brace myself on the petals, take a deep breath, and -

"Kaido? Is that you up there?"

GAH. I stiffen. You know, it's funny; I'm so used to being ignored and so focused on finding Miki that I kinda forgot other people could see me up here, eh heh...

Exhale. "Um. Hi." I'm looking down at Kiry- er, Touga, who's right below my feet; probably the only time I'm ever going to see him from this angle, so I might as well memorize it. "How are you?" Stupid question; weird situation. It fits.

"I'm fine, Kaido, although I think you're beginning to worry some people up there - was there something on the ground we should all be afraid of?"

There's some sniggering as he says this - he's not exactly whispering, for obvious reasons, and as before when he opens his mouth, people listen. I find I'm glad that the darkness is keeping my blush hidden.

"No... I was looking for someone."

"Well, why don't you come down and let me look with you? I can see over most people's heads, you know - and mobile, you'll have a better chance of finding him. Not to mention that way, you won't scare the girls."

Lots of female pouty protests at that, because who's scared, they're not scared, no one's scared, eeeeveryone's brave for their student council president Kiryuu Touga the GOD, and now I REALLY don't want to come down.

I will. But I don't want to; so there.

"All right, all right," I say, even though he wasn't really nagging, and clamber back DOWN the ugly rose fountain to the ground.

Geez, he's tall. I was pretty high up, wasn't I? "Okay. Let's go look. I'm sure you know who it is, it's - "

"Kaoru Miki, yes I know. You were calling for him earlier. Shall we?"

...I was?

He starts through the crowd, oblivious to the idiots leaving snail trails of drool in his wake, and I trot after him. No, I literally mean trot; he's wasting no time, and the height difference between us is absurd. He has almost a foot on me....

- and I don't think I was calling Miki's name.

We circle the crowd, looking here and there; and students are looking bored now, because even for THEM this is a really long fire drill. Finally, we come back to the fountain I scaled. We had no results.

I sigh. "Well, thanks anyway, K... er, Touga. I guess I'll have to catch up with him back at my room."

He's looking at me. Damnit; I recognize that look. It's the deciding-how-to-handle-this-kid look. I HATE that look....

"Perhaps. It worries me a little that he isn't here, though - he's so very reliable, usually." He flips his hair over his shoulder with the air of a man who's performing and knows it, and then eyes me. "Mind if I hang around?"

....uuuugh....

"That won't be necessary," says a new voice, and I turn to see a woman walking toward us. Yeech; this one's a little scary. Red hair, masculine walk, very grim expression - very much In Control.

Scary.

"Juri," Touga says, nodding to her approach. She stops in front of him, not even acknowledging me. I have no problems with this.

"There's been a problem," she says. "Your job is going to be to get the students into their dorms - EXCEPT for the south dorm, because that's where the problem is."

"Oh?" Touga asks casually, running his fingers through his hair again, and I note with some surprise that this woman Juri doesn't seem impressed. Okay, she gets points for that.

"Kaoru," she says; and my blood freezes. The people milling around us seem to fade into the background.

"Miki?" I say, hoarse; she finally looks at me.

"Kozue. Are you a part of this?"

That's a challenge if I ever heard one, but I don't care. Fear is twisting my guts into pretzels. "Kozue? What ABOUT Kozue?"

"Be quiet," she snaps. "The general student body does not need to know this." She eyes me - like maybe I shouldn't know, either, and Silencing Me might become necessary. Gah...

To my complete and never-ending surrpise, Touga comes to my rescue. "It's all right, Juri," he says. "He's Miki's roommate, and my new friend. He can know."

Juri and I give him identical looks of "what the hell?" I'm his new WHAT?

Juri shakes her head with a sigh, dismissing him as an idiot. Definite points. "She tried to committ suicide an hour ago. Her roommate found her, and she's being rushed to the hospital. Her floor is a mess; no more details need be given out in public. This is your realm, Setokaichou."

And with that, she just turns and walks away. Just walks off. Like what she said held nothing, meant nothing, was nothing. And I can't even move to ask the question if Miki knew and was with Kozue now.

Kozue...

Was it... something that we did? Was that the trigger?

I'm going to be sick.

"Hey, Kaido - easy there!" Touga says, interrupting my reverie of nausea and putting an arm around my shoulders. What do you know, I must look as bad as I feel.

"Let go," I mutter, but he ignores that.

"Are you okay? You look a little green."

"I've never had a friend do that before," I reply lamely because I can't think of anything else, even though she really wasn't a friend, and maybe that's really what I meant anyway; but what's running through my head instead is that this is somehow my fault.

I know it's not. I KNOW that. Whatever's wrong with her was wrong before I got here, and I KNOW that's a fact.

...knowing doesn't help.

"Kaido?" Touga asks quietly, closer to my ear, and that's the end for me. Tearing away from his arm, I go run to the garden to find a quiet place to throw up.

{to part 3} {back to the index} {to part 5}