Oh, no. It's washing day.
How could I forget? Am I stupid? It's WASHING day! It didn't used to be this bad, it really didn't; and then three months ago she just started acting CRAZY....
"Oh, Goooooouryyyyyy..."
Why is it that she sounds the same whether she's making me wear makeup or trying to take away my sw-
"Gourry! Oi!"
Augh! Must run!
Scamper through the house, yes, yes, that's what I'll do, or no, wait, maybe I'll just go out the window, there's nothing wrong with a cowardly death -
"There you are!"
"Aaaah!"
"Come on, don't be such a baby."
"Lina, please - "
"HAHAAAA!"
Oh, it's over so quickly; oh, my dignity -
"And to think you teased me about being a BAD housewife! Take THAT!"
"Lina...."
"I'll give these back to you when they're CLEAN, and no sooner. Be goood, Gourry..." And she laughs like a BANSHEE and just LEAVES me here.
Without any clothes.
Because. She thinks. It's funny.
All right; all right, FINE. I've done this before. In fact, I've done it for the last three months. And I can do it now, even if she DID take every piece of clothing I wear, except my sword, because that's too narrow to hide anything. FINE.
...see if they catch ME borrowing her cape again...
With NOTHING TO HIDE - and nothing else to do - I leave this guest room and march down the hall.
It's such a nice house. I'm noticing it a lot more these days, now that I have to find other things to think about. All wood, really nice wood tiles on the floor with decorations to keep demons away, lots of windows, three stories -
"Aaaah!"
"AAAAH! WHO'S TH - oh, hi, Zelgadiss. Er - where'd you go?"
Oh - he ducked into that guest bedroom. Well... yeah, I can see why.
"Um... Zel?"
"No!" his panicked voice voice floats at me. "No, it's quite all right! If you and Lina... I mean, you and your, uh, wife..."
"Lina, nothing. She took my clothes. What do you want, Zel? How'd you get all the way up here?" I peek around the doorframe.
Zelgadiss is looking SO hard at the wall; it's nice, sure, but not THAT nice.... "There was a problem. In town. Nothing important. I'll-just-be-leaving-now-if-you-wh-AAAAH! DON'T DO THAT!"
Do what? I'm just leaning over to look at the wall, too - "Zelgadiss, come on... we bathed together, what's the problem?"
He just whimpers. Guess he's having a bad day.
"Hey, Zelgadiss... is there something I can do to help?"
He's sort of skitzing. "Well... your... ah. Your sword. Mazoku. Attacking. It's a smaller one, but my attacks aren't working and I thought perhaps your sword - "
"Ooh, ooh, which one? I think I like the pink-y one better!" says somebody else, and I look up, and hello, there's Xellos sitting on top of the canopy of the guest bed.
...stupid hands... aren't LONG enough...
"Um... hi, Xel. Hey, you better get out of here. You know what'll happen if Lina finds you."
He's just grinning like Amelia after a court trial. "Oh, I know - but she's outside around the back, scrubbing out your trousers and muttering something about, 'show HIM domestic,' so I thought I'd be fine." He's beaming even more and swinging his feet. "So you gonna do it?"
"Gonna... do what?"
"Xellos, I'm warning you - get out!" Zelgadiss suddenly shouts, like it's his house or something; guess he's still skitzing.
"Zel, it's okay, it's my house too, and I say he can stay." I pat him on the sh - oh, better not. Both hands. Both hands are better.
"Oooh, but I can't leave YET!" Xellos exclaims, and now he's looking all upset. "Don't you know that the monster in the village is eating babies?"
"Eating BABIES!" I shout, because that's just the most horrible thing I've ever heard. "I can't allow that! Come, Zelgadiss!"
"But... you're... you..." Zel sputters, pointing wildly, and Xellos swings over the side of the canopy and hangs off the edge like a monkey.
"Oh, he's quite right, Gourry-san," Xel says. "But don't worry. I have the perfect solution. It'll even get you riiiight into his lair...."
Why?
WHY does it always come down to this?
Xellos was right; the monster set aside his traps when I said I wanted to come up the mountain, oh yes, he welcomed me with OPEN tentacles, he did...
"My, what is such a pretty young lady doing visiting a monster like me all alone?"
Big Mazoku, he is. Loud. Ugly. Hundreds of tentacles and children wrapped in most of them, looking terrified -
- you know, I think if I yank hard enough at the ribbons in my hair, there's an off chance if I make myself cry and wash away the makeup.
"Nothing to say? Pity; I hope you aren't mute... I want to hear you scream."
Oh, he DOES, does he? Like he didn't hear the children he's holding in his other tentacles scream? ...if I don't get this lacy-itchy stuff off my private parts REALLY soon, oh, he'll hear me scream all right...
He pokes me in the chest. "Ho ho ho! So bouncy!"
And it's right about now that things start to go a little weird for me.
Red...
And fuzzy.
"So tell me, little girl... just how high can you scream?"
Little girl.
Little... GIRL....Makeup. Dainty SHOES... some sort of lacy THING itching at my happy places... I can't take it anymore. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
"III CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMOOOORE!!" It feels gooood to shout that, so good, even better than ripping the dress off which I can't because I'll flash the kids so I need something else to distract me RIGHT NOW!
"Light, come FORTH!"
"What the hell..." big-and-ugly wonders, but I don't care, I just don't CARE, not any more, it's so funny I can't stop laughing, I am - "NOT A GIIIIRL! I'M NOT A GIRL! NOT A GIRL! AAAHAAHAAAA!! NOT A GIIIIIRL!!"
And I attack.
Xellos was right about one thing. I really CAN move with the flared skirt.
"You see?" I hear Xellos saying as I divide each of the tentacles into at least six quivering masses. "Works like a charm every time."
Zelgadiss moans.
Uwaah, I hurt.
The demon squirted JUICE all over me. It's dead, but I was a mess; and Zelgadiss cleaned me up with a cleaning spell that ALSO took off the makeup and dress but it burned a little, too, and I feel SO sore, and she's probably not done with the laundry....
Life CAN'T get any worse.
She's just beginning to fold some clothing and humming when I finally get back upstairs. "Oh, hello, Gourry-chan. Have a good time with the boys?"
"Yeah," I say, stumbling toward the bed. Uwah... "I need to sleep now."
"Okay!" she says, way too freaky-cheery, and just launches at me before I have a chance to recover my balance.
"W-au!" I say, or something like that, and we tumble to the bed; it's my turn to whimper. "Lina, don't do that, it hurts..."
"Awwww, what hurts, this?"
Yip.
"Mmmm... such a manly Gourry-Gourry-chan you are - manly... manly enough to make a new little Inverse-Gabriev."
"A new... what?" I ask, my voice cracking a little.
She grins. "I'm three months preggers. Good one, Gourry," she says, and sort of tackle-hugs; and even though it hurts... I let her.
Preg... she's pregnant? Suddenly, it all makes sense. "No wonder you've been nuts for months," I say, and that was really stupid of me.
She hits me, but I saw it coming, so it's okay. "Moron," she says, and then snuggles close, and I hold her until she falls asleep.
In sleep, her features soften; she looks too young to be a mom. But then I feel too young to be a dad.
A dad? What a weird thing. What a... a beautiful thing.
I hold her tighter, and go to sleep, too. Life could definitely be worse.
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