Shoujo Kakumei Utena Outtakes

Disclaimer: All characters property of Be-Papas or themselves. No copyright infringement here, and no stealing, you nasty monkeys.
Idea stolen from- er, respectfully inspired by the Vagrant Story Outtakes by Lex.


~~~


[Scene: Ohtori Hallway. UTENA watches TOUGA, SAIONJI and ANTHY in the rose garden.]

WAKABA: (offscreen) Uuuuu-ten-AAAAAAAAAAAA! (launches a flying tackle)

UTENA: GAH! (ducks)

WAKABA: EEEEEEEEEEK!

[WAKABA crashes through the glass roof of the rose garden.]

UTENA: Sorry! Sorry! Instinct! Are you okay?

SAIONJI: DAMN, that's gotta hurt.

WAKABA: !(^%#!(#$%)$(*^!!!

~~~


[TAKE TWO: Ohtori Hallway. UTENA watches TOUGA, SAIONJI and ANTHY in the rose garden.]

WAKABA: (offscreen) Uuuuu-ten-AAAAAAAAAAAA! (launches a flying tackle)

UTENA: AUGH!

[UTENA loses her balance and both she and WAKABA topple out the window]

[SAIONJI and TOUGA wince]

IKUHARA: Cut! Can someone please go find a doctor and a safety net for under that window?

UTENA: (offscreen) Would you stop jumping at me so hard?

WAKABA: DAMMIT, Utena! Take it like a man!

UTENA: First off, I'm a girl! Second, I'm freaking fourteen! I'd like to see YOU take that!

~~~


[Scene: The Observation Deck. TOUGA watches UTENA defeat SAIONJI in her first duel.]

TOUGA: Oh yes, baby... you've lit the fire in my heart.

[TOUGA pauses]

TOUGA: ...What the hell kind of statement is THAT? Who wrote that? Fire whoever wrote that!

IKUHARA: Cut!

TOUGA: Come ON! That's the stupidest sounding thing I've ever heard!


~~~


[TAKE TWO- Scene: The Observation Deck. TOUGA watches UTENA defeat SAIONJI in her first duel.]

TOUGA: Oh yes, baby... you've lit the fi... (loses it and snickers uncontrollably) I can't even SAY it!

IKUHARA: Cut. (sarcastically) Do you need a moment to compose yourself, Kiryuu-san?

[TOUGA is laughing too hard to speak]


~~~


[TAKE THREE- Scene: The Observation Deck. TOUGA watches UTENA defeat SAIONJI in her first duel.]

TOUGA: Oh yes, baby... you've lit the fire in my heahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

IKUHARA: CUT! Might I remind you that this is only the first episode? I can replace you VERY easily.

TOUGA: No no no no no! I can get it, I swear!

~~~

[Scene: The Duelling Arena. JURI and UTENA fight as ANTHY looks on. JURI is winning]

Juri: Can't you even dodge me?

[JURI throws UTENA across the arena. UTENA'S hair catches on the buttons of JURI'S uniform, dragging her along. They land in a heap.]

UTENA: OW! Juri, get your pointy ass off me!

IKUHARA: Cut!

[JURI coughs painfully]

JURI: I think I just broke a rib.

~~~


[The dorm room. UTENA and ANTHY drink tea.]

ANTHY: Does it bother you, having us here?

UTENA, Well, I wouldn't say that, exactly... wait, "us"?

[UTENA sees something behind her teacup and lifts it to reveal CHUCHU]

CHUCHU: (baritone) Ah, good afternoon, miss. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

[UTENA valiantly keeps a straight face for all of two seconds before collapsing in laughter]

IKUHARA: Cut! The line is "chu," and then you choke on a cookie. Let's try it again.

CHUCHU: ...surely you jest.

~~~

[TAKE TWO- The dorm room. UTENA and ANTHY drink tea.]

ANTHY: Does it bother you, having us here?

UTENA, Well, I wouldn't say that, exactly... wait, "us"?

[UTENA sees something behind her teacup and lifts it to reveal CHUCHU. CHUCHU sips a small glass of sherry and nibbles at the cookie]

CHUCHU: Good-chu afternoon-chu.

IKUHARA: Cut!

ANTHY: Did you even READ the script?

CHUCHU: Bite me, bitch.

~~~

[TAKE THREE- The dorm room. UTENA and ANTHY drink tea.]

ANTHY: Does it bother you, having us here?

UTENA, Well, I wouldn't say that, exactly... wait, "us"?

[UTENA sees something behind her teacup and lifts it to reveal CHUCHU, who stuffs the whole cookie in his mouth and stands proudly at attention.]

ANTHY: Please allow me to introduce my friend Chuchu.

[UTENA stares at CHUCHU]

UTENA: Your... pet?

[CHUCHU takes the cookie out of his mouth with one hand and points with the other]

CHUCHU: You RACIST! I'll sue you for everything you're worth!

[CHUCHU jumps at UTENA and starts to punch her nose]

IKUHARA: (calmly) Someone kill him and get another incomprehensible furry companion, please.

CHUCHU: ...I'll be good.

~~~


UTENA: Himemiya!

ANTHY: Utena-sama!

UTENA: Himemiya!

ANTHY: Utena-sama!

UTENA: HIMEMIYAAAAA!

ANTHY: UTENA-SAMAAA!

UTENA: MIAKAAAAAAAAAA!

ANTHY: TAMAHOMEEEEEEE!

UTEAN: MIAKAAAAAAAAAA!

ANTHY: TAMAHOMEEEEEEE!

IKUHARA: Cut! The two of you stop that!

[UTENA and ANTHY look at each other and burst into giggles]


~~~


[Scene: UTENA and SHIORI prepare to duel in the Black Rose-styled arena. SHIORI raises her sword to her face]

SHIORI: I swear by this black rose that I shall win this Duel and bring death to the Rose Bride.

UTENA: Why are you...?

SHIORI: This is me, the real--- the hell are they doing?!?!

[The BIRDS who were perching on the desks in the arena flock to SHIORI and start pecking her about the head and shoulders. SHIORI shrieks and runs. The BIRDS follow.]

UTENA: ...

IKUHARA: Cut!

UTENA: Whoa. I guess animals can sense evil after all.

[SHIORI accidentally trips, the BIRDS still chasing her, and falls off the edge of the platform.]

ANTHY: Oh my.

[SHIORI screams from below]

IKUHARA: Well, dammit. Do we have a body double for her?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Unfortunately no, sir. Remember, she wanted to do all her own nude scenes for the movie.

[SHIORI lands, making a crunchy sound]

SHIORI: ...owwww... need... medical assist...

IKUHARA: ...rats.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Indeed, sir.

IKUHARA: She's really quite a big ho, isn't she?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: That she is, sir.

SHIORI: Hey... can still HEAR you from here... lawsuit...

[Another crunchy sound

SHIORI: ...ow, my femur...

~~~

[Scene: Late afternoon on the Ohtori grounds. WAKABA passes ANTHY as she heads to her dorm and notices ANTHY wearing the wooden leaf SAIONJI had carved]

WAKABA: ...Oh no you DIDN'T!

ANTHY: (turns to face WAKABA, hand on hip) Look, face it, beeyatch, the boy is MINE.

WAKABA: Oh, now I KNOW I didn't just hear that. You best CHECK yo' self before I have to get all up in yo' area!

ANTHY: You need to give it up, girl, because I have had about e-nough of you comin' sniffin' all round my man, actin' like some damn foo' ho-bag who couldn't take a hint if it was shoved straight up her---

WAKABA: See, I do NOT have to take that shit from some skanky-ass, TWO-timin', WANNA-be---

TOUGA: Um... shouldn't someone yell cut now?

WAKABA: ---an' keep yo' punk-bitch hands OFFA MY PRINCE!

IKUHARA: Nah, this is kind of amusing.

[WAKABA and ANTHY are rolling on the ground, pulling each other's hair]

IKUHARA: Plus, you know, chick fight!

TOUGA: Good point.

IKUHARA: The cameras had better still be rolling for this.


~~~

[Scene: RUKA and SHIORI have a tender moment by the school fountain as JURI looks on from the shadows. RUKA does his best to clean SHIORI'S molars with his tongue alone]

IKUHARA: Cut! That was great, guys, so take five while I get Juri's reaction shot set up.

[RUKA pushes SHIORI violentlly away and begins to claw at his tongue and lips]

RUKA: Ew, ew, ew, ew, EW! That was just GROSS! Does anyone have mouthwash around here? Anyone? Nail polish remover? Please? Draino or something?

SHIORI: Hey! I'm standing right HERE!

RUKA: Must... be... cleansed... bitch-cooties...

~~~

[Scene: The Duelling Arena. UTENA staggers towards ANTHY'S coffin weakly.]

AKIO: Don't bother. The Prince's sword is already broken. The seal can no longer be broken It's impossible for you. I defeated you and...

[UTENA stumbles. AKIO moves forward to catch her, then stops. UTENA falls flat on her face]

AKIO: Wait a second- why am I doing this? It's not like I care at this point. What's my motivation in this scene?

UTENA: ...medic.


More to come...er, someday.

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